I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
