u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
