You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
