i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
