i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
