My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
