I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
