Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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