the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
