The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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