Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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