I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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