So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
