I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize