She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
