I will die if light touches me.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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