I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
