I looked at my own cervix.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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