Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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