you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize