apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
