You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize