mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize