how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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