Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
