It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
