We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
