just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
