nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
