I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
