i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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