The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I deserve this hangover.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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