My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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