I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
What a dumb baby whore.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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