well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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