I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
