We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
