Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
