I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
