how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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