whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
