If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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