Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize