im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
