did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
