just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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