I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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