States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
