ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
our cab driver is having phone sex.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
