Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
