its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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