dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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