No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
