so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize