Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
pray to the hookup gods
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
