Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize